Learning as we progress through life

Sometimes it takes a day to learn a lesson. Usually this happens when we had to learn something the hard way. We make a mistake and realize it was much worse than a mistake because it affected someone else so grievously. Sometimes however, the lesson takes a long time to learn.

Perhaps we take a moment, to go over and defend our actions for a moment, insisting we can’t truly be THAT wrong and THAT horrible. Yet, this insistence upon our rightness does nothing to solve or help or grow or learn in any way.

Sometimes, the life that follows along after a misstep , intentional or not, is hard. It is through these hard times that we are forced to look at ourselves because IF we do NOT look at ourselves history will be doomed to repeat again in the future. If you only want to learn the lesson once, then healing and growing is the only option.

Typically we , as humans, like to punish ourselves. I say we like this because we feel it must be done (unless of course you are a psychopath) in order to pay the crime for what we have done to another. Our self punishment however, has no expiry date. There is no Best Before or Bad After date that we can set a clock to and say “Well, today is the day I can stop punishing myself.” Since there is no expiry we just let it sit, and fester and become old and moldy and the longer it sits there, in your subconscious, the grosser and denser it becomes.

I have had so many clients holding onto guilt from 20, 30 ,40 ,70 years in the past. Self inflicted punishments. I am of course a part of this guilt group as well. You are not alone in this. We believe we MUST PAY FOR WHAT WE HAVE DONE but there are no rules or guidelines and no one telling us HOW or WHEN exactly enough is enough.

Will you ever do that thing again?

Have you become more thoughtful and more mature because of the travesty?

Have you grown as a person in a loving way because of it? If not, there is more work to be done before you will be ready to release this pain.

Perhaps we learn. We would never do what we did again, ever, but the guilt remains.

How do we determine first of all when to let it go and heal and how do we determine if we are even worthy of being able to do so?

AS LONG AS we ARE LIVING IN A PLACE OF FEAR we can not be free. Fear has many voices but it is easy to determine fear from Love.

Fear will say to you and be insistent that you are; Guilty, not good enough, not worthy of forgiveness, not deserving, not important, not valuable, you don’t matter only others do, not worthy of the goodness in this world, stupid, a waste of skin and many other things. ‘How could you!!???” fear will whisper to you over and over and over and over….

However, Love does not do this.

Love’s voice is a very different one, a truthful one, a kind one, an honest one.

Love will speak to you very differently than fear.

Love will say; You are good enough my dear, you are worthy of the wonderful, you are so important, you deserve the good, you have so much value, you matter, you have learned, you have grown, you have become better than you were, you have become stronger than you were, you are a gift, you are not your mistakes. Love will let you know that once you have learned what you needed to from what happened you can set yourself free. Love will be nothing other than what it is, love.

Now in this life we have choices, daily choices, minute by minute, all day every day, we make choices. Sometimes, we think the choices that we make are made for us, they aren’t. Even if another person was making choices for you, you allowing that in itself IS a choice.

The things we choose to think about or speak about are also choices. When we spend time thinking about our self punishment we are wasting our valuable energy on something that WILL NEVER HAVE a fruitful return to us. Ever. If you have learned from what happened, that IS enough. These mountains we were meant only to climb, not to carry.

If I was to burn myself on the stove, OUCH, I would heal it. I would nurture it and care for it and protect it until it was healed. After it was healed I wouldn’t go back over and over and over and over thinking about the pain and how stupid it was and certainly would avoid hurting myself again at all costs. I would heal and move forward.

However if I had burned someone else it might be quite different. I would feel awful for what I had done. I would immerse myself in their pain as much as possible ( for some reason believing this might help them in some way) I would apologize and if my apology was met with distain I would continue over and over to punish myself. This might go on for days, weeks, months , years or even a life time.

People are inherently good. They usually want what is best for others ( if not, find new people immediately). People like for others to think well of them and tend to like to be kind and generous. When something that goes against this happens, punishments ensue. It began as children, done by our parents and continues long after someone else is no longer there to punish us. Sometimes we choose partners that will punish us and we will stay with them because we feel we deserve it. (don’t do this)

So how can we forgive ourselves when we know we are doing or have done something that has hurt someone else?

One step at a time.

First you need to have an honest conversation with yourself about how mad you STILL are at yourself for what has happened. Close your eyes and get into a deep meditative state, 10 breaths and then count from 10-1 envisioning each number and RELAX.

Then call yourself forward, the younger you that you are mad at and TELL THEM OFF. DON’T hold back… Tell them why you are mad, what you think of them, all of it, let it all out. Do that now, take a few moments and then come back to this article.

NEXT be your younger self and RESPOND back to yourself. Do that now.

Then I want you to say to your younger self ; “I am so sorry for what I have done to you and what I think of you, please forgive me. I am so sorry that I blame you and shame you and guilt you and hurt you every time I do this, please forgive me. I know you would never do what you did ever again, I know that you have learned and become much stronger and much better since then. I am sorry for being so awful to you, you don’t deserve that , please forgive me.”

THEN envision yourself, the two separate you’s coming together as one. As you do this agree to work together not against each other in the future. Feel the strength and power that comes from that. Sit in that feeing for a bit.

Then return to the room and repeat this for as many days as necessary.

Why do this?

We are creating the fabric of our lives with every thought that we have. When our thoughts are fearful thoughts we will create fearful realities. When we have these lower vibrational thoughts of ourselves, we lower our bodies energies and our capacity to live from a place of love. We perpetuate the past onto our future circumstances every time we dwell on the lower vibrations of the past and those unforgiven parts of us.

We may believe that by punishing ourselves we are loving others because our remorse somehow helps the person we have harmed. Yes, this is true that we must show remorse and it must be genuine and given for as long as it is needed. However, once this time has passed its time to heal this. Have you apologized to that person or whomever it affected? You must. If you have done this and it was sincere and when you have done all you can to make it right then the only thing left is forgiveness of self.

The Bible told us to forgive 127 times and to be thankful 157 times. It must be important.

When you can combine the two together its a wonderful combination. Showing yourself forgiveness and thankfulness for the lesson learned, the growth gained, the challenges that were overcome. We must be thankful for even the awful because it is in the awful that we learn what we truly value, what we truly want and who we want to be.